this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
