Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
