so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
