I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
