Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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