Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
