when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I want her autograph on my taint
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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