we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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