when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
