i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
