I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
