How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
