my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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