someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
