I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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