I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize