Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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