Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize