One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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