How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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