Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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