I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
