you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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