the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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