what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
