Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
