I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
