I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
