my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
