My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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