So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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