Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
