he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He passed out mid-signature
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
