i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
