Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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