Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize