You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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