She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
