I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
