I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
