Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
