Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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