I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
