just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
