My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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