don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
