we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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