Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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