just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
