To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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