I think I won the penis lottery.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
