Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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