My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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