I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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