The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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