We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I love having hate sex.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
