Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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