today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
