I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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